I pee’d my chamois. No really you fools I pee’d my chamois. Wait who am I calling a fool I’m the one that just admitted I clearly need to wear this diaper maxi pad thing of sorts!
I didn’t intend on sitting on my saddle and doing this and as a matter of fact that is NOT how it happened. I’m off riding, riding, riding, riding, and if you have met me or followed me in any capacity you know I wait to the very last minute to use the restroom.
Well I have these nifty difty little new bibs and jersey. One problem the jersey is half zip so how in the world do you get your bibs off without taking your jersey all the way off and everything that might be in your pockets flipping out! Well trust me I have tried one arm, leaving it hang around my neck like noose, so on and so forth.
I asked a female cyclist that has WAY more experience than I do with this whole shebang. She said….pull the leg of your bibs over. So here I am knowing there is a big shiznital climb coming and I can hear my stomach sloshing! Now that I think about it maybe I didn’t quite understand what she meant?
So I pull off the road…bibs, half zip jersey, arm warmers, make shift leg warmers which were actually someone’s arm warmers but it was colder then I thought. I put them on my calves. Got it? Are you picturing this mess! Because it was a hot mess! First order of business remove the arm warmers from my calves. Second pull right thigh of bib over. Third you get the picture…HOLY SHIZWHIZ no really this is NOT working. Straight down my leg, my hands, gloves are now soaked…Really come on make it end…make it END.
NOW WHAT…here comes the best part!
I used the borrowed arm warmers to clean up. Then rolled them up and put them in my jersey. ehem soaked I’ve got bigger problems my chamois is soaked. I try desperately to squeeze as much of it out as I can. Have I mentioned my gloves are soaked!!!!
There’s not much more I can do and it’s cold. Do I take these soaked gloves off and put them in my jersey or do I leave them on? I opted to leave them on. Remember you never know what YOU will really do until you are faced with the challenge. I suggest you don’t judge. I hop back on my bike.
Next up….my nose is running. As I am pedaling, I think to myself…
Do I wipe my nose with these urine soaked gloves…Do I let my ehem snot run out my nose...WIPE…LET IT RUN…WIPE..LET IT RUN…It was sterile…It was sterile…waassssss sterile…RUN IT IS!
I get out of the saddle to loosen my legs, sit back down, and I kid you not. MORE squishes out of my chamois down my leg! Come on you have to be kidding me I was NOT that well hydrated I never am!
I run into the snot issue AGAIN seriously this is hideous! Alright girl pull your shit together and PEDAL! So here I go and I have the best climb of my life. Was I pedaling away from my issues well hell yes I was but you would be too!
I don’t advise that you use this method as a motivational tool but should you ever be faced with the same challenge. I would love to hear if you pulled one side over or all the way down.
The Smile Girl….have you seen the nearest restroom….
I’ve attached a photo I took a few days later as I was heading to a different mountain. Notice the sneaky sneaky smile on my face!